The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
