For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
