So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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