I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
