Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
