hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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