I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
