so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
