I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
