Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
