So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
