I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
