Someone shit on the floor
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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