I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
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Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So much rum. So many feels.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
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I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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