Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
