i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
