Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
