the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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