Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
