There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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