my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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