I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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