if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
