and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My feet surprised me
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
