im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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