ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
