Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
