tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we made out on top of his cat.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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