why didn't you poke me back
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
