Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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