Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
