Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
