everyone is single if you try hard enough
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
