There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If that was your dad, he is hot
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
