so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
