Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
