Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
