party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
