If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
