I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
