The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
