you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
