i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
