i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
