Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
