Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
