i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
