it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
