The maid of honor just puked.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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