My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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