My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I fill condoms, not promises.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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