also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
