seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
