I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
