can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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