I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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