I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
