Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
