At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
