it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
is wine microwaveable?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
