Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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