like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You've changed since you got that strap on
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I deserve this hangover.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
