Don't make out with my wife yet
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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