Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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